My Unconditional Way
You know I don’t get why my writing sets people off. My mother doesn’t get “set off” – she’s like explain?
Well, it’s easier to hammer me. Project at me. Blame me. React to me. Delete me. Pick and mix me. Ignore me. Not support all of me.
Basically just about anything rather than look at what might have set you off. Anything rather than question your own conditions. Beliefs. Lies. Avoidance.
Those paradoxes that make up humans.
Like the effort it takes to pick and mix me. To craft the conditions. That at core times such as my Birthday you could stamp on another part of my heart – if I let you.
In order to not let you – I’ve got my own complex paradox to live.
To be completely open. Porous. Let it all flow through. Feel everything. In complete acceptance of where you are. Not take anything personally. And not expect a clean Birthday wish.
Yes, if it sounds upper human it probably is. It doesn’t stop the world hurting. It just stops me hurting the world back.
To treasure the ones who are like beacons of hope. The hope I love for in humanity. To still show up. Regardless of the turbulence I feel.
It’s no wonder I take my birthday off every year. Perhaps it’s the one day I can’t accept your lies. The day it is possible to hurt me a little bit more than usual.
And of course, as we begin another spin we take stock of what we have done if we are still on the right path. That we have not got lost. Though to be honest the older I get the more lost I feel. And the more incapable I am of seeing myself. I don’t know who I am.
It seems such a simple question – though I’ve no answer.
Maybe you do? Those who sent me the truly appreciated wishes for my Birthday. The unconditional heart-felt hope.
I seek outside wisdom.
“I am an expression of the divine, just like a peach is, just like a fish is. I have a right to be this way…I can’t apologize for that, nor can I change it, nor do I want to… We will never have to be other than who we are in order to be successful…We realize that we are as ourselves unlimited and our experiences valid. It is for the rest of the world to recognize this, if they choose.”
― Alice Walker, The Color Purple